Drink, Cuss and Fight like a Pirate
by Asher Elric
Summary: What was Jack really thinking when he was stuck in the jail cell in Port Royal? part 4 is up. Jack thinks about the stupidness of hats!
1. Jail bird thoughts

A/N – This is my first POCT fic, so feel free to bash my terrible characterization of Jack!

Summary – What was Jack thinking about while in the Jail cell in Port Royal; before Will got him out?

Disclaimer – I own nothing!

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_**Drink, Cuss and fight like a Pirate**_

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_**You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before? -- Jack to Will**_

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I knew he was Bootstrap's kid the moment we started fighting; of course I didn't dwell on it so much. I was running from those bloody Twats who call themselves soldiers. Ha! They couldn't catch a parakeet on a misty morning! The only reason they even got their grimy hands on me was the fact that the drunk of a blacksmith got me from behind while I was dealing with the kid!

Which reminds me that I have gotten off the thread of thought I was thinking of before I was thinking of those soldiers…which reminds me that I was thinking of Bill!

Bill Turner was a good pirate, he drank rum like no one I ever knew and we often had drinking games. He would win, I never could hold my rum…well, until Barbossa left me on **that** bloody island…and yet again I am getting off track…….well, that just shows what a genius I really am!

Bootstrap's little whelp almost got me; and I'm the kid's Godfather and everything. I should have taught him how to fight correctly, well…correctly ain't the word I am looking for. More like, "_**fight like a pirate**_" works for this. I mean, does he even know that a pirate will do anything to get out of a bloody, life-threatening situation? I may be a coward in a general sense, but any man would be afraid to be lynched!

All right, the whelp's also way too bloody polite! I bet he doesn't even swear! And if he did, he'd say something stupid like "Darn that pickle!" and that would only put his own father to shame! Billy could sear better than me too, however, I had to get him started on it.

(SNICKER) Yeah, I remember it like 'tis were yesterday! After I whacked him with the pistol for being stupid, he cussed like there weren't no tomorrow! It was hilarious! We had fun teasing him for months after that. I'm afraid old Bill never did live that one down. Hell, when I'm dead (which I will be sometime today…they do have to rebuild after that attack last night so I've got time…) anyway, when I am dead, I'll still laugh my ass off about it!

My…what is this? The whelp has come to help? Maybe I an do my job as a Godfather and teach the kid how to drink rum, cuss, and fight like a real Pirate!

Oh yes, the moment will come...! Billy would have my head if he ever got the chance. Not that he will, of course, since he's dead. But I'll just have to tell him in detaila bout it when I am dead and then he can try and kill me again! hehehehehehehe! (snicker).

**END**


	2. Grounding the Rules

**Drink, Cuss and Fight like a Pirate**

**Chapter 2**

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**Oh good, no worries then. – Jack to Will**

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He really wasn't such a terrible person to have as company on a huge ship. At least it looked huge to me, I mean, really, can one sail a ship all their onesies? Right…no can do…though I have tried. (shrug)

I just wish he wouldn't go about giving me his whole life history! I knew the boy when he was one years old, honestly! I ask you, do young people have any respect for their superiors any more? No, of course not, they think it's all about them! I bet the bonny lass is giving hell to Barbossa about all of this. At least she is marginally safe, I mean…the worst they can do to her is kill her…they are scatterbrained corps after all.

I take my compass out and look at it; it's pointing in the same direction that it's always been, however, I have to go to Tortuga, which isn't far, maybe a couple of days by the good reckoning of my very well tuned weather monitor – Err – my nose.

"Is that so?" I ask after the boy got done with his story.

"My father, Will Turner. At the jail, it was only after you learned my name that you agreed to help. Since that's what I wanted, I didn't press the matter. I'm not a simpleton, Jack, you knew my father," the boy says.

Holy shit! He wants the honest answer! I guess I can do that…I think…

"I knew him. One of the few who knew him as William Turner. Everyone else just called him Bootstrap or Bootstrap Bill,"

"Bootstrap?" he asks me. I knew this was a bad idea, but it would have been worse if the bloody lobsters had hung me instead.

"A good man. Good pirate, I swear you look just like him!" I give the kid one of my best, charming smiles. But he looks red in the face.

"My father was not a pirate!" he say's and he pull out his sword. Great, I'm stuff with a mad man! Damn it!

"Put it away son," I turn away from him, "It's not worth getting beat again," I say.

"You didn't beat me!" (oh! He sounds mad….!) "You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I would have killed you," he said, he sound's so sure of himself. Well, I'll have to fix that!

"Then that's not much incentive for me to fight fair, then is it?" I ask. I pulled on a rope and ducked as a yard of one of the masts came our way. William jr. wasn't so fast and so he got stuck on it, over the edge of the ship.

"Now, as long as your just hanging there, pay attention," I smirked at the kid. This was going to be fun!

"The only rules that really matter are these; what a man can do, and what a man can't do – for instance, you can accept that your father was a good pirate and a good man or you can't. but pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that someday. Now, me for example – I can let your drown but I can't bring this ship all the way into Tortuga on me onesy, savvy?" I pull on the rope again after giving this speech, which isn't at all brilliant but the only thing I can come up with.

"So?" he drops on the deck, "Can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can't you?" I ask before walking away. I don't think I shall get any more trouble out of the little whelp for the rest of this trip.

This would be a very interesting trip. The whelp actually learned quickly, at least he was no stranger to knots…which reminds me to never get tied up by him….ever! He can also reef the sails as well. Not terribly good at it, mind you, but not bad…he probably got work on a ship to get out here to the Caribbean and then committed himself to black smithing.

Okay, I think I'll have to teach him how to climb the riggings better. He's actually embarrassing himself. Oh no! at least he's got a foot stuck, though hanging upside down ain't the best feeling in the world.

"Hey! You! Boy!" I yell at him.

"I HAVE A NAME YOU YOU'LL NOTICE!" he shouted back at me.

"Fine, _William_, it's ain't a ladder! Climb it like a….tree!" I called back. He rolled his eyes, but he righted himself anyway. Then he seemed to get the idea and was able to get to the top of the mast in fairly quick order. If he had been under my wing all these years, he would have turned out to be a damn monkey!

He takes to the crows nest; not wanting to talk any longer. Right, neither do I as I understand it myself. I sigh and go down below. I'll let the kid be for a while, but while I'm at that, I'll just find us some grub. I'm still the kids Godfather, which means that I still have some responsibility towards the boy.

Damn, I hate responsibility!


	3. My Lovely Lady

**Drink, Cuss and Fight like a Pirate**

**Chapter 3**

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_And that -- was without a single drop of rum! Captain Jack Sparrow (AWE)_

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Responsibility always had a bad taste on my tongue. Mind you, I know that being Captain means that I have a responsibility to my crew to get them out of certain messes that I've probably gotten them into. I'm surprised that anyone would want to sail with me! However, when you have a good man like Gibbs to help you out, than you don't have any problems, now do you?

So, William was slightly curious as to what Tortuga really was. Besides what's on the service…there ain't really anything much to Tortuga, well, if you're a Blacksmith going after his bonny lass in distress. For a Pirate, it's everything we need in port: Beautiful women to roll in the hay with, rum to drink, and adventures to be found.

William stood watch for me while Gibbs and I talked. He was my leverage. No, I'm not sorry for it either. I am the kids Godfather but I ain't about to let him do anything stupid, which means to make him keep his head down and NOT let Barbossa (that bastard) know that Bootstrap even had a kid. Course' they know, but they probably think it's someone else. After all, _Turner_ really is a rather common name. Not like _Sparrow_, which is completely un-common if I do say so myself!

So, I get Gibbs to come with me and get me a crew. I know I can trust Gibbs because he never did turn on me. He won't either, he owes me. I don't know how or why he dropped out of the Royal Navy, but he did and he's here and he's a pirate like half of these ruffians. He's always been trustworthy and he has always been able to keep the men in line. Sure, sometimes he does have to talk to me about not getting enough booty, but that's the way things go.

I wish I had him the last time I was in here for a crew for the Black Pearl. But somehow I stupidly trusted Barbossa – and we all know how that turned out. Ten years of looking and my time is almost up…all most up and then I'll have to repay a debt that I honestly do NOT want to repay.

And I don't think I can talk my way out of it.

At least I have two years before I have to worry about that particular debt.

Two years…

I hope I can get the Pearl back by then and figure out what to do. I don't want to turn into Squid Face anytime before or after these two years. It's been hard to be away from my lovely lady for so long, it's probably what poor William is feeling for his Bonny lass. There she was one moment...and the next she's sailing away with another man. Of course, it ain't her fault, never my _Pearl's_ fault. She had no choice in the matter.

Rmeinisent of her first death by Beckett. He murdered my love and he knew it...he killed her and I had to do something to bring her back. And now, she isn't dead, but she is gone from my loving hands. I hate it when my thoughts become like this.

_Take what you can..._

_And give nothing back..._

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A/N -- Sorry for the long update time. I completly forgot about this fic. 


	4. The stupidness of Certain Hats

**Drink, Cuss and Fight like a Pirate**

**Part 4**

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_We Shall have a magnificent garden party, and your not invited! – Capt. Jack Sparrow_

_Close your eyes and pretend its all a bad dream. That's how I get by – Capt. Jack Sparrow_

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I finally got her back. And I didn't get hung in the process. Good William Jr. came through for me. I didn't think he would, though, I had hoped. I must say, that cape and hat did look a bit weird on him…maybe I should give him a lesson on how to dress like a proper pirate.

Right, maybe I shouldn't. I'm not exactly that savvy in fashion myself. I just couldn't tell him how stupid his hat was…though…I kinda liked it…

NOPE! I shant think that, I love my hat, I love my coat…I love everything about me. Even more so than other people. I am just a well liked guy, in my opinion. I can't understand why no one else really does like me. But, I never cared if someone liked me or not. I am, after all Captain Jack Sparrow….

It's their problem if they do not like me. I honestly don't care. Because I like me and if I like me than probably someone else likes me and if they like me than maybe I am liked more that I think I am liked!

Oh, that just rolls off the tongue…try and say that three times fast!

Anyway, back to poor Williams bad sense of dress. It was simply stupid. There, nuff' said. Too prissy for his own good! I am at least manly! William probably let a woman pick it out for him. Not even his father would have worn that!

Maybe I should write him and tell him how stupid his hat is. Oh, there I go again. The hat is stupid, I shall leave it at that!

….

….

….

…

…

…

ALL RIGHT! WHO POOED ON MY FAVORITEST COAT! I'LL KILL THEM! I SWEAR I WILL! DAMN YOU COTTON'S PARRET! I SHALL KILL YOU AND EAT YOU!!!!!

Rant over. But still, my best coat! Ever! I never can find another one like this. Honestly, and that stupid bird goes and poo's on it and everything. I should kill it and eat it. I bet that bird tastes just like chicken.

It has been a long time since I have had chicken….

And that hat was stupid, it had too big of a feather….what is he trying to do? Emulate Mark Flynn? Honestly….that dude wasn't even a pirate. A wanna-be that I put into his place. He never will mess with me after that little altercation. But only because he got confused.

I guess Mark Flynn was terribly easy to confuse, thought I don't see how he can be that dim. Witch reminds me that poor William was also a bit dim. Oh well, I can at least hope he grow up a bit….

AND I HOPE HE GET'S RID OF THAT STUPID HAT! OTHERWISE I SHALL DO IT FOR HIM!

Insert evil, and witty laugh here


	5. I ended up with a dead person!

**Drink, Cuss and Fight like a Pirate**

**Part 4**

**(Or, how I ended up in a coffin with a dead person!)**

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_Permit me to lend a machete to your intellectual thicket – Capt. J. Sparrow_

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As the title insists, this is an exponential answer as to how I ended up in a coffin with a dead person. A very much stinky dead person, hell, this dude needs a bath more than I do, and that's saying something. I mean, there is a reason that I stink!

(though, Elizabeth did want me to do so once…)

Off the topic of baths. As I was saying, this is an answer as to why I've ended up in a coffin with a dead person. Well, you see, it is quite simple. I needed some leverage against Davy Jones. Yes, amazing isn't it? Please note my sarcasm here. Any road, I ended up here because the Turkish General in charge of the prison had my leverage.

So, I had to sneak in and get it. But I was caught (needless to say!). I shant go through all the complications that arose. Only that all were overcome by my very original nature of ideas! So what if I made it up as I went along, that's just the way I work.

And now, to get out of this smelly box. Cover your ears folks!

BANG!

One shot and I am out of here….or maybe not….I can see my hip upon the horizon and I am up the creek without a paddle. Oh, my bad, I said I was original with my idea's right? Well….

I guess I can use this dude's arm. It ain't like he'll need it after all….

Now, all I would need to finish out my night is that this dead dude I am sitting comes alive and kills me and eats me! The dead walk again! Or in this case swim!

Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum!

You know what? I really do need some rum, and food, but I don't think I'll be able to eat properly for a few days. Restriction of such is a good way to coy prisoners. Damn them, I mean, honestly, people need food to survive!

All right, enough of my belly aching. A few more hours without food will be all right. Its not like I need it, really, but I am hungry…I want chicken….

Lots of chicken…..

Fried….

Dipped in sauce and fried.

Boiled with veggies in a soup…..

Bread with it between both pieces with dressing….

Yummy dressing……

Very much fried……

Yummmmm…..chicken……

And that, is how I wound up in a coffin with a dead person….

I want chicken!


	6. I want my Chicken Pie!

**Drink, Cuss and fight like a Pirate**

**Part 6**

**(or, I want my chicken pie!)**

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_I leave you people alone for a minute and look what happens. Everything's gone to pot! – Capt. Jack Sparrow_

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Once I had convinced my crew to not mutiny me once again. Though I do not put it past them to try, but I don't think they will since I so eloquently promised them treasure (of a sort) I was ushered into my cabin by the cook. Mr. Toad (really it's his real name!) gave me a lecture about eating right and blah, blah, blah…

"Really, Jackie, is it that hard?" he asked me.

"It wasn't as if I had a choice!"

"Jackie, Jackie, Jackie…"

"Toad-face!"

"Now, just sit there and I'll go get ye dinner," he said and he disappeared. Not at all bothered by my insult. I'm insulted!

Mr. Toad is the only person on this ship that I even allow to call me that. Only my Father ever called me that, and he still uses it now. I haven't seen him in ages. I guess I should visit him. One time, someone did try to use it, I punched them and told them to never do it again.

Anyway, Mr. Toad used to work for me Father. Like I said, the only other person who I have ever allowed to call me by my childhood nick name. I picked him up in Singapore last time I was there. He never did tell me how he ended up there, but he did and then he became the ship cook. He's even better than silver. And that's saying something.

Do I smell chicken…?

"Here ye go, Jackie, I got ye favorite!" he told me. IT was indeed a chicken pie! With veggies and everything, I'm in heaven. I could hardly believe it! He set it down on my desk and made me sit behind it. Then he puttered around my cabin and talked as if I were actually listening. Which I was, but…I couldn't repeat it to you even if I wanted.

"I'm glad your back, Jackie, your Dad would be sick with worry if he knew the antics you put yourself through," Mr. Toad said.

"Have you been telling him things I have no knowledge of?" I asked.

"Only that which you already know and have done,"

"Oh, and what has he to say about it?"

"Only that I am to watch ye like my life depended on it," Mr. Toad replied.

"Fat chance of that actually happening," I replied.

"Your probably right,"

"A great possibility," I said.

"Just watch yourself, I wouldn't be able to face your Da if you died,"

"Maybe, ye won't have too,"

Soon, Mr. Toad left with me dishes and I was left in piece. To only find out that my bloody compass didn't work and that I only had a half bottle of run. So, I went through two all ready. I wanted to get good and drunk in order to find Davy Jones' chest. It would be my only way out of this situation. His chest for my soul.

At least, I got my chicken pie! Yummmm…….

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A/N -- I know that this is short. However, I thought that was a good place to leave off. Please review! 


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